Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
