I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
