I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
