i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
