I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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