the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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