good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
