my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
