i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
