I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
