Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
