i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
