i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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