i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Randomize
