Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
