The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
