So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
