She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
