Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
