paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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