i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
