It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
