I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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