there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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