it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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