i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
