i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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