Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
