I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
