FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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