last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
