nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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