We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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