Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
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She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
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Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
My penis needs a shock collar
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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