Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
