I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
