Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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