Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
God, I missed his penis.
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