Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
