I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
