Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize