remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I need a burrito and a hug.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
