wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
