Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
