she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
