Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
