He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
