Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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