I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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