You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just found puke in my bra..
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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