The maid of honor just puked.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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