sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Randomize
