i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
