Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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