Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
