I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
