Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
